Lessons learned from Breaking Dawn

30 Nov
So…I went to see the new Twilight movie tonight, Breaking Dawn. It’s a tradition that a few girlfriends and I have – we see each Twilight movie as it comes out to laugh and mock and sigh. Because we both love and ridicule Stephenie Meyer’s series. It’s just one of those “so bad it’s good” things. Like fake nacho cheese. Or Jersey Shore.

It’s hard to encapsulate my feelings into a straight review, because I just don’t take this subject very seriously. I mean, how can you? The makeup the vampires wear! Angsty, nostril-flaring werewolf teens! How can I take this seriously? So I’ve decided to make a list of the top 5 things I learned from Breaking Dawn.

  1.  Fancy, sparkly, white stilettos are a perfect shoe choice for a wedding in the forest, complete with a mossy, muddy path up the aisle. Especially for notoriously clumsy Bella, who, the day before her wedding, could barely take one step. On your wedding day, you’ll be able to stroll with confidence in said shoes, with nary a stumble. Of course.
  2. It’s ok to be friends with a permanently cranky werewolf who berates you every time he sees you. Bonus points if he bags on your chosen mate and makes you feel guilty and cry over your carefully-chosen decisions. And extra -special bonus points if he completely freaks you out about your husband’s vampire boner and the probability that he’ll kill you with it.
  3. Werewolves who talk to each other in wolf form sound like auto-tuned versions of their human selves. Sure, they snarl and pounce like wolves, but their voices sound like their human side, only totally pissed! This produced the most uncontrollable giggling for my friends and I – impressive when you consider how ridiculous the whole thing was.
  4. Even though everyone will cringe and ridicule your choice of baby name, you should stick with it. Renesmee is a totally awesome name, even if everyone around you gags when they hear it. One of my friends said it sounds like what you say after someone sneezes. “Achoo!” “Oh, Renesmee.”
  5. Sex with a vampire rocks. At least it did for Bella. However, post-coital afterglow is nonexistent for vampires – they just get crabby and pouty because your fragile human self understandably shows a few bruises from sex with a vampire with superhuman strength. However, play some chess games and wear increasingly revealing lingerie and sex will ensue. Men, even vampires, can only be pushed so far before they’ll succumb to honeymoon sex.

One Response to “Lessons learned from Breaking Dawn”

  1. Rebecca December 14, 2011 at 10:00 pm #

    So glad I missed this one!

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